His ashes were scattered somewhere. No one else knows where, but me ... and Jill.“We ... continued the fling for a little while, but neither of us could really look at each other the same. We had killed a man, justifiably or not, and seeing each other reminded each of us of that fact. It was just ... too painful. Too much guilt. Too much fear. We broke up, mutually and tearfully, with one last night of making love, mostly in the form of me eating her out. It was our thing ... she ate me out at times, but more often than not, I preferred to go down on her.“That, my dear, is the real, ugly truth of my breakup with Jill, and why we don’t need to send her any tapes at all. I would never want to hurt her like that. She’s a great woman. She and I ... we just couldn’t make it work. And yes, she was a lesbian. Completely gay, unlike me. I told you that other stuff to play along with the sex tape fun, but we wanted to steer you away from revenge in that way, more toward the whole ... porn. She watched Hannah put them on every day, it wasn’t that she didn’t know what to do with them, as everyone seemed to think. They instructed her, talked down to her, as though she didn’t wear the makeup because she didn’t know how. She swallowed hard when they applied the lipstick. She took the opportunity to squeeze her eyes shut tight when they dusted her face with powder. Not ruining her eye makeup became the excuse to not let out a tear, and for once, she thought ironically, she knew how a femme must feel, worried about something as trivial as mascara. The clothes they gave her were supposedly given immense consideration: roomy, flowing skirts and loose blouses. ‘Comfortable.’ Alyssa billed them. Once again mistaken, as if the jeans, the pants, the button-down shirts and sports jackets, were about comfort. The very airiness of the clothing made her nervous. Much better to stick her in the tight, constrictive sort of skirt-jacket ensembles that Marta wore. At least they had some.
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